Either I have COVID or I'm losing my mind...
This is what I thought earlier this week as I woke up with a throbbing headache, chills, and every muscle in my body fatigued. The day before I had also felt the fatigue....and the five days before that...but I pushed through, ran my kids around town and up mountains (literally, by means of backpack and stroller), drank coffee by morning and afternoon and the occasional glass of wine by evening, and said I was fine.
I have a history of fatigue issues and that is a long story for another day. In short, stress triggered something when I was in college and I went from being an elite college athlete to facing a 7 year battle with fatigue, exhaustion, headaches, diet changes, and a battered ego. So needless to say the feeling of fatigue is something I am familiar with and usually wields it's evil head when I am overdoing it, pregnant, or not eating well. The latter of the two were under control, so I cowered under my covers recognizing that I either finally caught "the virus" or this was self-inflicted.
Two days of sleep (God bless my husband) and one negative test later I had to face the reality that my symptoms were indeed self-inflicted. Wow. It's bad when as a nurse you feel awful enough to go to the doctor. Nurses do not like being the patient. And then to find out that I could have prevented this entire breakdown if I had stopped and listened to my body.
Quarantine has been an emotional struggle. It wasn't until this week that I admitted that. Sure it's a bummer to not see your friends, but the lack of ability to fill up my social calendar and have a change of scenery was definitely getting to me.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. BOOM (emotions explode, breaks in to tears). Okay, I'm not fine.
Anyone else feel like this recently? Emotional roller coaster over here!
As I reflect on the root issue it seems to come back to control. I can't control a whole lot in social isolation, but what I can control is getting outside and walking. I can take my kids to the lake, and I get some exercise and those endorphins that take me back to my years as a competitive athlete. After my 5 mile walk I feel like I can conquer the world! That is, until I ignore the fact that my body needs to take a break every now and again. So I abused what was in my control to subsequently throw myself out of control once again. Sound like a vicious cycle that needs mediation.
Anyone else feeling tired without great reason for exhaustion? Anyone else have days where they just need to cry even though things could be so much worse?
I am human, I am a social being, and it is okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay as long as we can take the time to feel, stop, reflect, and move forward.
So moving forward I am seizing control in a new way.
I can control being present to my kids, even if it's just at home in the backyard. So I put my phone down and give them 100% attention.
I can control taking care of my body. I am embarking on a 4 week paleo diet challenge to detox my body, increase my energy, and decrease the neurotic need to walk 5 miles every day.
I can control the time I have for me. I am learning to advocate for my work time, and in this I am building in prayer time. If God is truly the most important part of my life then I should start acting like it. It's amazing the clarity and peace that has come over me after making time for this in just the last two weeks.
I can control what I say and how I appear. I am striving to exude joy. I want my children to see their mother as happy, healthy, and joy-filled, so they may emulate such a disposition.
Again, I am not perfect, but I am striving. #strivinginmotherhood
Walk with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.
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