My NFP Journey

In honor of NFP Awareness Week I wanted to reflect on my personal NFP journey...

I have always been a rule follower. Yup, things were black and white, right and wrong, and I really liked staying in the lines and out of trouble. This personality trait has a lot a positives to it. I have always been very driven, a high achiever, and seen the "big picture" of things. On the downside, it led to an extremist tendency. For example, when I turned 21 it just didn't feel right to go from not being allowed to drink to it suddenly being okay...and I definitely wasn't going to go out on the town and get drunk...so I refused to take my first drink of alcohol until months later. I didn't have a good reason, I had just trained my brain so hard one direction that it was not an easy feeling to adjust. It took me a long time to drink socially and feel okay with the concept. 

So similarly, when I was told sex before marriage was a sin, my brain channeled that in to the same category. Unfortunately that led to more of a "sex is bad" mantra verses an understanding of the love and purpose behind the teaching. I liked the rules, but just following a rule I learned was meaningless without a foundation of knowledge behind the "why". When I was asked "Why do you practice NFP?", my initial response was, "Because I'm Catholic". I quickly concluded that answer was not enough. I no longer wanted to just follow the rules, rather I wanted to understand why the rules were present to allow me to grow in my relationship with my husband and with Christ. 

I was blown away by what I found

NFP has been around for a long time, but not without questioning. In fact, an entire council sat down and recommended to the Pope that he overturn the Church's teaching on contraception to adapt with the changes in culture. Obviously the teaching didn't change, but why? 

Do not separate the unitive and procreative act. 

This means one may work within the natural bounds on your God-given fertility to achieve or avoid pregnancy. In addition, every act of intercourse should fulfill these four things: 

1. Fully human (You have free will and can choose when to have intercourse-in or out of your fertile window)
2. Totally (I take you completely for all that you are, including your fertility)
3. Faithful (With only your spouse)
4. Fruitful (You DO NOT have to conceive every time, but if you do you are always open to the possibility of life)

Wow...This is how I want to be loved, and this is how I want to love my husband: Fully, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. This means when we come together there is 100% love. We are not using each other strictly for pleasure, rather to unite wholly with the love of God. Unitive mean coming together in marriage, which is important, and procreative because we are always open to life, even when we think our chances of conceiving are less than 2%. There is so much grace, peace, and security that comes with this!

When we got married (5 years ago!!) my husband and I committed to using NFP before we totally understood the full definition. We started with a mucus-based method and avoided pregnancy for 2.5 years. I had some underlying health issues and was able to identify a progesterone deficiency using my chart. This information allowed me to seek treatment from a Catholic OBGYN  and two months after starting progesterone supplementation, we conceived my son. This was a surprise, but the best one we ever received. It was a blessing that my body was finally healthy enough to carry a child. 

After giving birth we were introduced to the Marquette Method, a way to objectively measure urinary hormones to chart our fertility. We used Marquette to avoid pregnancy, and then to achieve pregnancy with our daughter. We love this method so much and how it helped us navigate the uncertainties of the postpartum period. I felt God calling me to use my master's degree in nursing education to teach in a capacity that united faith, science, and education. He led me straight in to teaching the Marquette Method!

It is truly incredible to be in tune with one's own body and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully designed by God. In a world where fertility is treated like a disease, NFP has allowed me to see the gift that it is. 

So what about NFP in marriage? It is not always easy. The hardest part is that you abstain when you are most fertile and your libido is the highest. Hands down the most difficult part. What is beautiful in that? First off, the fact that my husband loves and respects me so much that he is willing to demonstrate self mastery and show love in other ways (ie: cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, back massage, etc.). That takes a strong, faithful, and devoted husband and it an absolute dying to self and demonstration of love. I remind him of that too because I know it isn't easy. It also gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the same love to him. Second, NFP forces us to communicate. Do we want to conceive? Do we want to avoid? If we take a risk we do so in good conscious knowing that God has a greater plan. While we feel confident in our 98% effectiveness stats using the Marquette Method, we have a greater peace in the loving intentions of God the Father who always knows best. Third, it has strengthened our marriage because we allow God in to the most intimate part of our relationship. A cord of three strands is not easily broken, and God's love and grace is the best glue in a marriage.

I practice what I teach. I will say NFP is an incredible blessing in my life, in my marriage, and helps me grow closer to God. 

It is a journey, and as always, I am striving. 

Journey with me, walk with me, and feel free to comment.

Christy 
www.nfpteaching.com
@nfpteaching
#strivinginmotherhood

COVID vs. Control

Either I have COVID or I'm losing my mind...

This is what I thought earlier this week as I woke up with a throbbing headache, chills, and every muscle in my body fatigued. The day before I had also felt the fatigue....and the five days before that...but I pushed through, ran my kids around town and up mountains (literally, by means of backpack and stroller), drank coffee by morning and afternoon and the occasional glass of wine by evening, and said I was fine. 

I have a history of fatigue issues and that is a long story for another day. In short, stress triggered something when I was in college and I went from being an elite college athlete to facing a 7 year battle with fatigue, exhaustion, headaches, diet changes, and a battered ego. So needless to say the feeling of fatigue is something I am familiar with and usually wields it's evil head when I am overdoing it, pregnant, or not eating well. The latter of the two were under control, so I cowered under my covers recognizing that I either finally caught "the virus" or this was self-inflicted. 

Two days of sleep (God bless my husband) and one negative test later I had to face the reality that my symptoms were indeed self-inflicted. Wow. It's bad when as a nurse you feel awful enough to go to the doctor. Nurses do not like being the patient. And then to find out that I could have prevented this entire breakdown if I had stopped and listened to my body.

Quarantine has been an emotional struggle. It wasn't until this week that I admitted that. Sure it's a bummer to not see your friends, but the lack of ability to fill up my social calendar and have a change of scenery was definitely getting to me. 

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. BOOM (emotions explode, breaks in to tears). Okay,  I'm not fine.

Anyone else feel like this recently? Emotional roller coaster over here!

As I reflect on the root issue it seems to come back to control.  I can't control a whole lot in social isolation, but what I can control is getting outside and walking. I can take my kids to the lake, and I get some exercise and those endorphins that take me back to my years as a competitive athlete. After my 5 mile walk I feel like I can conquer the world! That is, until I ignore the fact that my body needs to take a break every now and again. So I abused what was in my control to subsequently throw myself out of control once again. Sound like a vicious cycle that needs mediation.

Anyone else feeling tired without great reason for exhaustion? Anyone else have days where they just need to cry even though things could be so much worse? 

I am human, I am a social being, and it is okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay as long as we can take the time to feel, stop, reflect, and move forward. 

So moving forward I am seizing control in a new way. 

I can control being present to my kids, even if it's just at home in the backyard. So I put my phone down and give them 100% attention. 

I can control taking care of my body. I am embarking on a 4 week paleo diet challenge to detox my body, increase my energy, and decrease the neurotic need to walk 5 miles every day. 

I can control the time I have for me. I am learning to advocate for my work time, and in this I am building in prayer time. If God is truly the most important part of my life then I should start acting like it. It's amazing the clarity and peace that has come over me after making time for this in just the last two weeks. 

I can control what I say and how I appear. I am striving to exude joy. I want my children to see their mother as happy, healthy, and joy-filled, so they may emulate such a disposition.  

Again, I am not perfect, but I am striving. #strivinginmotherhood

Walk with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 
Follow me @nfpteaching
www.nfpteaching.com

Do Not Lose Heart

Every time I finish teaching a client I feel like flying. It’s an adrenaline rush that comes from feeling full of life and full of hope. I have the pleasure of teaching beautiful couples who are so in love, and who are excited to learn more about the gift of their fertility. I couldn’t ask for a greater clientele!

This week a client sent me a message of hope and told me they were praying for me on the frontlines in the ER. I was floored by the sincerity and kindness of her words. She left me with this passage from 2 Corinthians 4:7-18, and I want to focus on three of these verses:

16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”.

Things right now feel so uncertain. Where am I supposed to be? Picking up extra shifts on the front lines? Staying home more with my kids? Is it okay to feel stir crazy and stuck at home when I should be counting my blessings...like the fact that I have children, a job, and a home to be stuck in? 

Inwardly we are being renewed...

I have heard so many comments about how God knows what we need. How is this isolation renewing? Well, I have more time with my husband and kids. I am appreciating small things like sunshine and watching my toddler’s language explode with new words and sentences. I am making time for prayer both alone and with my family. I am grateful for this gift of intentional time. 

Fix my eyes in what is unseen...

This last week I heard a sermon where the priest said that God is not surprised by this virus. He didn’t make it happen, but He is not surprised. Therefore, we are called to fix our eyes on Him, to choose hope, and know that He will indeed provide. 

I draw my mind back to these thoughts when I start to feel frustrated, when I start to resent the fact that I can’t go anywhere, and when I feel the wave of anxiety creeping up as I prepare to go back in to work. 

No matter what comes through those waiting room doors, God has this. It may not be easy, it may not be controlled, but I have to fix my eyes on and draw strength from something greater than myself. If I rely only on the media and the world, I will be overcome with fear and anxiety and it will be really hard to recover from what is to come. If I can find God in the midst of this I can face it with more courage and come through it with more hope. This is bigger than me and out of my control, and therefore calls for a hope and solution that is also bigger than me. 

I thank God for my education and my job. It is a privilege to be able to serve my community on the frontlines in the ER. I pray for peace of mind and heart, safety, perseverance, strength and courage.  

Thank you for staying home

Can You Relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

#strivinginmotherhood

www.nfpteaching.com

I Can't Stay Home-I'm a Nurse

I am an ER nurse, we live for this. The city-wide panic, the adrenaline rush of being on the front lines, the desire to jump in to all the action...the overconfident assumption that we are immune to everything...

So why does this feel different?

I spent some time reflecting on this and have come to the conclusion that the reason this epidemic is so frightening is because it is bigger than me. Cases with car accidents, traumas, patient's stroking or bleeding out, or in cardiac arrest can be challenging on many levels, but we jump in hands first knowing that the worst thing we carry home is the emotional trauma of the day (don't get me wrong, day in and out that is brutal in itself- a topic for another day). That is on me. As we prepare for a potential surge of patients, the magnitude of this virus carries a lot of unknowns and I am struck by the realization that this is bigger than me. How many of us have already been exposed and are carrying it? What if I am the reason a loved one gets exposed and ends up with serious complications? Would it be prudent to isolate myself from my husband and children?

...because right now just going to work puts me at a greater risk than the average person, and coming down with the virus, while that part doesn't frighten me, passing it along to an immune-compromised family member does. This is bigger than protecting just myself, but everyone around me.

There is so much I am grateful for. I thank God every day that I have a secure job and that my husband can work from home. I am grateful I have healthy children, food in the pantry, and a backyard to enjoy these sunny days. I am also grateful that I work in a hospital that puts my safety first. I have the appropriate gear to care for COVID patients and Health One has really been on the ball about staying ahead of what could be coming. 

My prayer is that all the shutdowns and social isolation truly will flatten the curve of this disease. I pray we don't run out of ICU beds or ventilator capability. I pray our staff stays well so we have the manpower to safely care for these patients. I pray that the world comes together to care for each other during this time. 

Please, I beg you, from a nurse and mother on the front lines, remember that this is greater than yourself. You might not be at high risk, but think about the people in your life who are...grandparents, in-laws, neighbors, etc. A few weeks of social isolation will only be a few weeks if we can stop the spread of this virus. Thankfully we live in a time where the internet provides education, fitness classes, video chat, Facetime, and many ways to stay connected and engaged with many aspects of normal life. Get groceries if you need food, but send one person or order them online and don't hoard food from everyone else. 

Ever wish the world would just stop for a few days? Guess what?! Wish granted!

This is not a time to panic, but it is a time to seriously consider the consequences of your actions. If you're stir crazy, take a walk outside, enjoy the fresh air, and keep distance from others. Pick up a new hobby, call a friend you haven't in a while, or get going on those yard projects.

Just remember those of us out there caring for the sickest. We want to be able to adequately care for them all, and can't afford a surge greater than what might already be headed our way based on current exposure and incubation periods. 

Can You Relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 

#strivinginmotherhood
www.nfpteaching.com

Work Hard, Play Harder

I have returned to my 12 hour shifts in the ER since having my daughter. I’ve been working, but from home, which has afforded an incredible luxury of teaching mostly in the evenings after the kids are in bed for the night. I answer emails and post things during nap time, and get to spend all day playing and running after my toddler and 4 month old. 

As I headed back to the hospital this week I was reminded of just how hard it is to be a working mom...

This comes on so many different levels. First of all I love being a nurse and I really enjoy my job working in the ER. I am an adrenaline junkie and love the fast-paced, high stakes critical thinking that comes with the territory. I also love the opportunity to be present to people and make a difference on what could very well be one of the hardest or scariest days of their lives. I have the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ in all that I do. And when I remember how much I love my job, I am tempted to jump right back in to over-committing myself and jumping on the trajectory of clinical career advancement-something I have decided to take a step back from for a few years while I raise my kids.

It was easier to leave the kids this time around because they love days they get to hang out with Nana and Papa. When I told Hudson we were going to “Nan and Pa’s” he replied, “Nan! Pa! Bye mom!” He was clearly letting me know that he would be fine without me for a few hours. It is a blessing to have my in-laws willing and able to watch them and to know they also get quality Daddy time in the evening when I am at work. This time around I also know they will still love me when they see me again in the morning.

My 12 hour shifts in the ER are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I am on my feet so much that my Apple Watch thinks I have sufficiently worked out by the end of a shift. I forgot that after 12 hours every limb feels achey and restless, and when I crawled into bed Saturday night I desperately needed a back massage to help me fall asleep. 

I woke up the next morning, exhausted, and to the delighted cries of my toddler looking for “Mom!!!!”

Now, being a mom is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting on a whole different level. Matching the energy and excitement level of a toddler is far more exhausting than I ever imagined. So, on some level, going to work and interacting with adults can feel like an emotional break. On the other hand, the emotional drain at work comes from things like reasoning with all 10 waiting room patients who think their emergency should warrant the next available bed, or resuscitating a patient you took care of and talked to for several hours who then decompensated before your eyes. This is then coupled with late nights shifts and quick turnarounds the next morning to being energetic mommy for my son and middle of the night milk provider for my daughter. 

The day after my first shift back at work I crawled around the floor chasing my son and let him climb on my back for a ride. We built block towers, knocked them over, and built them again. We danced in the kitchen to “Baby Shark” and sang an incredible number of verses to “The Wheels on the Bus”. It was exhausting, but I was so incredibly grateful for these moments. I think finding a balance is hard.
Some days I have clients on my brain and a lot of emails and prep work to complete for teaching, and other days I am ruminating events and cases from my shift at the hospital. My kids don’t know what is going on in my brain, they just know Mom is home and they enjoy every second of our play time together. I am working on balancing work and home so I can be fully present wherever I am on a given day. Fully present to my patients who need me, with a peace of being a working mom because I am providing for my kids. Fully present to my kids who need me to leave teaching work for nap time and bed time. I am grateful I don’t have to work every day, and I am grateful for my days at work that help me really appreciate and make the most of my days home with the kids.

This is my reality, and I strive to balance life well so I can work hard, but then play even harder with my kiddos when I go home. As a mom I get to toss the cares of the world aside while I enter the wonder and awe-filled world of my toddler and infant. This is where laughter abounds, everything is a game, and the little things are amazing.

My new motto is to live, love, work hard, and play harder.

Can you relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 

@nfpteaching
#strivinginmotherhood
www.nfpteaching.com

The Time of My Life

Colorado to Maryland, Maryland to Georgia, Georgia to Colorado. As I sit here on the plane en route to my brother’s wedding I have an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. I am listening to my husband talk my son through the process of takeoff as he waves and exclaims, “Hi man!” to the worker directing plane traffic, and “Bye airplane!” as we pull out on the runway. I am constantly in awe of this man I married and so grateful for his constant love and enthusiasm with our kiddos. 

This is an incredible time in life. It is hard and challenging and utterly exhausting most days, but it is beautiful, joy filled, and packed full of love and wonder.  Everything with a toddler is an adventure, and I set my mind to that when this trip began. Vacation implies relaxation, which is an unrealistic expectation with two under two. “Family adventure” has a much better ring to it, carrying the anticipation of fun and laughter with no expectation of alone time or sleep-just precious, priceless quality time and memories. 

We are halfway through our trip at this point and I am simply filled with joy. No we haven’t slept great and I have lots of caffeine on board, but we continue to laugh, Hudson continues to be in awe of every new place we go, and we are enjoying precious time as a family. I am going to soak-in and revel in every moment because one day vacations will be easy and relaxing again, and I know then I’ll be reminiscing of the days where they loved snuggles and kisses and couldn’t wait to ride an airplane. 

This is a glorious stage. I’m having the time of my life because this time is unlike any other and I don’t want to let it slip away. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment!

@nfpteaching 
#strivinginmotherhood 
www.nfpteaching.com

Moderation

Moderation. It’s something I struggle with big time...and always have. I battle a toxic little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough if I’m not the best.

 That B+ was failing because I was capable of a solid A. 
That to-do list that grows by the day because I can’t get it all done is unacceptable. 

It’s also the reason my stomach turns inside out if I hear that I made someone upset or didn’t meet expectations. I spend so much energy people pleasing and pleasing the perfectionist inside me that the thought of doing something wrong makes me feel like a complete failure...I know, completely ridiculous, right?! A book I read recently (The Heart of Perfection by Colleen Carroll Campbell-HIGHLY recommend)  speaks to this perfectionist tendency when it comes to moderation. Campbell says that the perfectionist finds moderation and balance counter-intuitive to their nature. Why should I need balance? I can get it all done and balance would just slow me down...and this is what can be so toxic. Thank you Colleen for putting words to something so real in my life and calling out my dissatisfaction with having to take a break. She also clarifies that there is no room for perfectionist tendencies in motherhood.

As I’ve mentioned many times before, motherhood has humbled me. It has also helped me learn to accept this idea of moderation and balance. When your kiddos come first in life you really can't meet all the same demands you put on yourself before they existed. This leaves limited time for self, and I have to decide how to balance that. I can’t go to the gym every night, and really, I shouldn’t. I’m tired as it is from breastfeeding, working, and taking care of my kids. Do I need to push myself at the gym to lose the baby weight in record time and make myself more exhausted for the next day?

The answer is no, and I have to remind myself that it is okay to take a break. I am no longer a college athlete pushing myself to the limit to ensure optimal performance in my sport. I will always be an athlete and fitness will remain important to me, but balance is remaining active, eating well, and keeping my priorities in check. At this stage of life it is not maxing out weights or beating a personal record every week.

So where in my past life of B.K. (before kids) I would have anxiety about not working out every single day, my new and improved self A.K. (after kids) can tolerate a day of healing, rest, and relaxation.

When you come from an extreme end of the spectrum sometimes moderation can be as simple as choosing to stay home, sip a glass of wine and watch Netflix with my husband. The win is internally being okay with this choice. I continue to battle that toxic voice, but practice makes perfect and I hope that by example I can teach my children how to live with balance in their life.

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood www.nfpteaching.com