Moderation

Moderation. It’s something I struggle with big time...and always have. I battle a toxic little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough if I’m not the best.

 That B+ was failing because I was capable of a solid A. 
That to-do list that grows by the day because I can’t get it all done is unacceptable. 

It’s also the reason my stomach turns inside out if I hear that I made someone upset or didn’t meet expectations. I spend so much energy people pleasing and pleasing the perfectionist inside me that the thought of doing something wrong makes me feel like a complete failure...I know, completely ridiculous, right?! A book I read recently (The Heart of Perfection by Colleen Carroll Campbell-HIGHLY recommend)  speaks to this perfectionist tendency when it comes to moderation. Campbell says that the perfectionist finds moderation and balance counter-intuitive to their nature. Why should I need balance? I can get it all done and balance would just slow me down...and this is what can be so toxic. Thank you Colleen for putting words to something so real in my life and calling out my dissatisfaction with having to take a break. She also clarifies that there is no room for perfectionist tendencies in motherhood.

As I’ve mentioned many times before, motherhood has humbled me. It has also helped me learn to accept this idea of moderation and balance. When your kiddos come first in life you really can't meet all the same demands you put on yourself before they existed. This leaves limited time for self, and I have to decide how to balance that. I can’t go to the gym every night, and really, I shouldn’t. I’m tired as it is from breastfeeding, working, and taking care of my kids. Do I need to push myself at the gym to lose the baby weight in record time and make myself more exhausted for the next day?

The answer is no, and I have to remind myself that it is okay to take a break. I am no longer a college athlete pushing myself to the limit to ensure optimal performance in my sport. I will always be an athlete and fitness will remain important to me, but balance is remaining active, eating well, and keeping my priorities in check. At this stage of life it is not maxing out weights or beating a personal record every week.

So where in my past life of B.K. (before kids) I would have anxiety about not working out every single day, my new and improved self A.K. (after kids) can tolerate a day of healing, rest, and relaxation.

When you come from an extreme end of the spectrum sometimes moderation can be as simple as choosing to stay home, sip a glass of wine and watch Netflix with my husband. The win is internally being okay with this choice. I continue to battle that toxic voice, but practice makes perfect and I hope that by example I can teach my children how to live with balance in their life.

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood www.nfpteaching.com 

God, Grant me Serenity

I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin for no reason. Restless, closed off, distant, emotional...I just wanted to cry!

Anxiety is hands down my least favorite feeling. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I feel overwhelmed and out of control... a volcano about to explode if I don't find a way to release the restless energy...and boy do I hate feeling out of control! My sweet husband gave me an out to the gym to blow off some steam, the one hour to myself I  needed more than anything. I powered on the elliptical feeling my energy put to good use and feeling relief as sweat trickled down my neck.

Searching for wisdom I came across the following verse:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". Philippians 4:6-7

This verse took me to prayer. I thought I was looking to scripture for advice, but in all actuality I was looking to solve the problem on my own. I have a pattern always trying to be the one in control. The intentions are good and I think I am handling it all, and then realize that I am actually trying to do it alone. Reflecting on this verse I was called to take a step back. This verse wasn't telling me that I could fix this on my own, rather it reminded me that I needed to let God in and surrender my underlying fears, insecurities, and frustrations. I needed to be okay with letting go of the control, which was the underlying cause of my anxiety.

I am working to bring God in to every part of my daily life. I shouldn't just call when I need Him, but I should invite Him in to even the simple, mundane aspects of my everyday living. I am striving to find the constant peace and security that comes with His presence. I need to stop trying to be in control and let go of the unrealistic expectations that only I set for myself. I am loved simply for who I am. I am always enough. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Jesus, I trust in You. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Play Dates or Mom Dates

Who are your people? Do you have even one person you can call on when things get tough or who you feel "gets" you? I talk about this a lot with nursing. You have to have someone you can process your day with who was in the trenches with you and understands the physical, mental, and emotional toll of the job.

Motherhood is the same way.

This week I was reminded of the importance of having community. After Claire's baptism we invited people back to the house for dinner. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I looked around at all the amazing friends in our life. We have friends in all stages, but all who have been present in different ways to love and support us in our life journey. The kids ran around and played together and the house was filled with conversation, laughter, and joy.

I once heard that you will only take a handful of people with you through each stage of life, and found this to be true as I moved from childhood to high school, college, single life, married life, and now life with children. The reality is you need some people who are experiencing life as you are. These are the people who understand the hardest days because they too are going through it themselves. I have friends in all stages of life and it is important to hold on to those friendships that are dear to you, but it is also important to expand your friend group so you don't feel alone.

Motherhood can feel isolating.

In the beginning you're not sleeping and not sure how you're going to survive. No one told you it was going to be this hard! Your schedule revolves around nap time, feedings, and the limitations based on the age of your child. Then you have two kids and feel like you can never leave the house for more than an hour before someone needs to be breastfed or it's time for the other's nap. Sometimes it's easier to stay home then try to coordinate all the diapers and snacks you need to be out of the house for two hours...and that's if you get out of the house on time!

Play dates are life giving! I have a group of friends and all our kids were born within a year of each other. When we started getting together they would all lay on the floor and roll, and now they run around putting buckets on each other's heads and steal each other's toys. While we enjoy watching them play and the kids love it, us moms have decided that they are really "Mom dates". This is the 1-2 hours we get to sit and process the joys and struggles of motherhood. I know I'm not the only one with a toddler who throws tantrums and some days runs my patience to the ground, and it is nice to share ideas and be affirmed in my role as mom. We are all doing our best and supporting each other in this stage of life.

You will never regret getting out of the house to socialize, even if it's in your yoga pants and hair in a messy bun. All of us moms know we're not perfect and it is so life giving to be surrounded by people who are real, not afraid to talk about the hard things, and who are there to build you up.

Find your people. If you don't have any, google mom groups, ask around at your church or place of work, or find a group like "MOPS" (mothers of preschoolers). If you have a group, be that one to invite someone in with a new baby. Moms have to support each other. In this day where most of us are balancing home, work, life, marriage, and motherhood, we need an intentional group that provides love and support.

Find ways to be in community. We are made to walk through life with others, not alone.

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

The Ultimate Surrender

So you have a baby...and it's the most beautiful, wonderful miracle. After you get through the first few weeks of healing (which no one ever tells you about) and forget the trauma of birth itself, you stare at your little one and ask yourself, How in the heck did you come out of me?!

Motherhood is truly a remarkable gift, and one that changes life for the better. It is also what I would call the ultimate surrender.

Now, if you are a type-A perfectionist like myself, you love to be in control. I love to make lists, cross things off those lists, and preferably on sticky notes so I can physically check things off and throw them away when they are complete. I hate seeing unread emails in my inbox. They have to be answered in full so I can then delete them or file them in a folder for future reference. I like my laundry baskets empty, folded clothes in drawers, dishes done, bathrooms clean, and floors vacuumed. If I can sit on the couch at the end of the night and relax, it's because my "to-do" list for the day has been completed....

This was pre-children...because my ultimate surrender has been learning that putting my kiddos first means that not everything on that list will get done. Nap time will not always be two hours long and the chances of both of them sleeping at the same time is rare. Even then, it is okay to use nap time for myself and not run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be super mom. Failing to meet the expectation of a perfectly clean house, new meal on the table every night, and intentionally entertained children all day is only failing to meet an unrealistic expectation that I have set for myself.

This blog is called "striving in motherhood" because I am not perfect and continue to strive to accept this surrender of control. Ultimately that is what I have found it comes down to-a loss of a sense of control over the little things. There are many days I find myself frustrated and wanting to accomplish tasks rather than be present to my husband or sit and play on the floor for thirty minutes with my son over washing dishes. It is when I make a conscious decision to be present that I am reminded of the value in that time. Thirty minutes chasing my son around the kitchen or indulging his desire to be tickled every time he lays on the floor and exclaims "Oh no!" is thirty minutes of intentional time that says "I love you". It is thirty minutes void of tantrums or frustration and thirty minutes of giggles, laughter, and joy.

Giggles, laughter, and joy...now there's something I don't put on my list every day...but wouldn't those be better goals to strive for?

Things still need to get done, and they do. Just not all in one day and at the expense of appreciating the precious time I have with my family. Like all things, there needs to be a balance. This is something I am focusing on more and  more as I prepare to return to work. Work will require even more balance and less time in the week.

So here's to countless years ahead of living in the present, enjoying the little moments, and learning to surrender control. 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

The 8 Hour Vacation...Called Work

“Oh my gosh you’re finally home!” Ever say that when your husband walks in the door after a long day at work? From his perspective he’s worked hard for 8 hours to provide for the family, is tired and hungry and relieved to be home. That is until he walks in the door and is greeted by two screaming children and an overwhelmed wife who hands him one of the kids while exclaiming how grateful she is to have some help. Oh and by the way he just pooped so could you handle that for me? 

Nice to see you too, he thinks. 

One of my girlfriends described this as “the 8 hour vacation...called work”. Isn’t it true? I am totally guilty of treating my husband like he has been "on vacation" or "taking a break" when he comes home from an 8 hour day at work. I work hard all day too caring for and entertaining the kids, keeping the house In order, managing the bills, etc. but need to remember that just because he hasn't been home all day doesn't mean he's been fishing and drinking beer. Rather, he's putting all he has into his job to provide for our family.

The challenging thing about motherhood is that the job is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. My job as a nurse can be this way too and my husband, who is a geological engineer, jokes "That's why I work with rocks!" By the end of the day I am ready to give my back a break and let him dance Claire around the kitchen or push Hudson in the laundry basket. It is a blessing, not a burden to be home, but like any job, it is important to find a balance so we both get a break. Not only does he feel pressure to work hard all day, but he also wants to spend time with his kids, has projects he wants to get done, a wife he wants to spend time with, and oh yeah friends and hobbies he would like to engage with if he ever had time. So when I treat his job like he has abandoned us all day it doesn't do anyone any good! 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Less "Doing" More "Being"

“You’re crazy!” 

I heard this a few times last week...from my mother, a handful of friends, and my husband. It’s not that I was intentionally looking for ways to overbook myself, everything just happened to fall in the same week. Yes, I had a baby seven weeks ago and decided to host a dinner and two big parties three nights in a row. Those things always look good on the calendar when you’re planning them because they all fell on different days. What can I say, I function well when I have lots of things to juggle. I didn’t take into account the emotional exhaustion or the fact that party prep is really only plausible in the evening hours after 7pm when my toddler is asleep in bed. So a crazy weekend it was! There wasn’t a lot of sleep but there was a lot of laughter, time with great friends, and joyful celebration. 

I rest well tonight having done it all and of course now thinking...that wasn’t so bad...

But why do I do this to myself? Why do I run around trying to fit in all things and leave little time to breathe? That can’t be a healthy way to live. If we didn’t throw our annual Christmas party people would understand...for heaven’s sake we just had a baby! But I often battle my own personal expectations to pull things off regardless of circumstance. It’s almost like it is a challenge I create for myself to overcome since I know subconsciously I will never back down from the challenge.

I was explaining to a friend why I enjoy hosting. It brings me great pleasure to bring people together and facilitate a place of openness and community. Between my last trimester of pregnancy and the following weeks after giving birth I felt I had fallen off the map. I thrive on relationships and socialization, something I had been missing for several weeks. Not to mention feeling like I had lost control over my body and my schedule, I needed to grasp control and feel accomplished in something. Therefore I put my energy in to hosting and flurried around for four days cooking, cleaning, and entertaining with great joy (and dragging my poor husband along for the ride). 

As I look back over the last few days I am so glad it all happened and wouldn’t have changed a thing. That being said, moving forward I recognize that I need to slow down and let go of the internal pressure to “do it all”. In this next year I am going to work on less “doing” and more “being”, in an effort to intentionally engage with others. I will most definitely be hosting things, as this brings me great joy, but no more stacking things so close that it limits my ability to look forward to and enjoy each event without thinking about what is coming next.

Can you relate?  

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

So Much to do...Not Enough Daylight

Only 45 minutes until the sun sets. My son had just woken up from his nap and my daughter would need to breastfeed again in 30-60 minutes. I had put off my walk so we could visit grandparents that morning and was desperate for some exercise. Not to mention I really needed a pair of heels for a black tie event the next day and my plan was to walk to DSW to complete this errand by way of a four mile walk. It was the perfect plan!

I nestled Claire in my front wrap and loaded Hudson in the stroller with an abundance of backup snacks and a cozy blanket. We were off. I made it in to DSW and down the first aisle when Claire woke up in a rage, her shrill hunger cry piercing the quiet of the store. Naturally, Hudson took this opportunity to try and climb out of the stroller and began crying out for snacks. I handed him some peanut butter puffs and then quickly donned my nursing cover so I could help Claire latch to feed. Her cries were replaced with a ferocious gulping noise. I tucked her bottom and legs back in my wrap to help support her while she fed. The stroller needed to move to keep Hudson happy so I began to cruise around the store looking for size 11 heels.  I was losing my daylight so there o time to sit and feed...

So yes, picture this: me walking around DSW, nursing cover over one shoulder, one arm bracing and supporting my nursing baby, the other arm pushing my toddler in the stroller and intermittently stopping to pull out a box of heels and try them on. It was quite comical. I received a lot of looks but no one said a thing. 

My husband called on his way home from work and offered to pick us up. I had been far too optimistic about the daylight situation and it was now dark and I was wearing black...a very safe way to walk around in rush hour and hope cars could see and yield to me and my two small children. It was also getting cold. He picked up Hudson and I detoured to Trader Joe’s, still determined to walk home. I loaded my stroller (now Hudsonless) with groceries. This was highly amusing to the cashier as it indeed looked like I buried my child with groceries. I too surrendered and asked for a ride after realizing the temperature had dropped and I found myself on the unplowed side of the sidewalk trying to push a stroller full of groceries through icy snow.

What a day! This happy, healthy active mommy has some work to do when it comes to moderation and relaxation. I’m working on taking care of myself as well as my kiddos. Again, I am striving. Each day is a new adventure and I strive for a balance. Now that my sleep hours at night have lengthened and I am working out again I feel energized and like a new person. My adrenaline got the best of me this day. I think next time I’ll pick a workout video instead of racing the sun...

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com