The Ultimate Surrender

So you have a baby...and it's the most beautiful, wonderful miracle. After you get through the first few weeks of healing (which no one ever tells you about) and forget the trauma of birth itself, you stare at your little one and ask yourself, How in the heck did you come out of me?!

Motherhood is truly a remarkable gift, and one that changes life for the better. It is also what I would call the ultimate surrender.

Now, if you are a type-A perfectionist like myself, you love to be in control. I love to make lists, cross things off those lists, and preferably on sticky notes so I can physically check things off and throw them away when they are complete. I hate seeing unread emails in my inbox. They have to be answered in full so I can then delete them or file them in a folder for future reference. I like my laundry baskets empty, folded clothes in drawers, dishes done, bathrooms clean, and floors vacuumed. If I can sit on the couch at the end of the night and relax, it's because my "to-do" list for the day has been completed....

This was pre-children...because my ultimate surrender has been learning that putting my kiddos first means that not everything on that list will get done. Nap time will not always be two hours long and the chances of both of them sleeping at the same time is rare. Even then, it is okay to use nap time for myself and not run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be super mom. Failing to meet the expectation of a perfectly clean house, new meal on the table every night, and intentionally entertained children all day is only failing to meet an unrealistic expectation that I have set for myself.

This blog is called "striving in motherhood" because I am not perfect and continue to strive to accept this surrender of control. Ultimately that is what I have found it comes down to-a loss of a sense of control over the little things. There are many days I find myself frustrated and wanting to accomplish tasks rather than be present to my husband or sit and play on the floor for thirty minutes with my son over washing dishes. It is when I make a conscious decision to be present that I am reminded of the value in that time. Thirty minutes chasing my son around the kitchen or indulging his desire to be tickled every time he lays on the floor and exclaims "Oh no!" is thirty minutes of intentional time that says "I love you". It is thirty minutes void of tantrums or frustration and thirty minutes of giggles, laughter, and joy.

Giggles, laughter, and joy...now there's something I don't put on my list every day...but wouldn't those be better goals to strive for?

Things still need to get done, and they do. Just not all in one day and at the expense of appreciating the precious time I have with my family. Like all things, there needs to be a balance. This is something I am focusing on more and  more as I prepare to return to work. Work will require even more balance and less time in the week.

So here's to countless years ahead of living in the present, enjoying the little moments, and learning to surrender control. 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

The 8 Hour Vacation...Called Work

“Oh my gosh you’re finally home!” Ever say that when your husband walks in the door after a long day at work? From his perspective he’s worked hard for 8 hours to provide for the family, is tired and hungry and relieved to be home. That is until he walks in the door and is greeted by two screaming children and an overwhelmed wife who hands him one of the kids while exclaiming how grateful she is to have some help. Oh and by the way he just pooped so could you handle that for me? 

Nice to see you too, he thinks. 

One of my girlfriends described this as “the 8 hour vacation...called work”. Isn’t it true? I am totally guilty of treating my husband like he has been "on vacation" or "taking a break" when he comes home from an 8 hour day at work. I work hard all day too caring for and entertaining the kids, keeping the house In order, managing the bills, etc. but need to remember that just because he hasn't been home all day doesn't mean he's been fishing and drinking beer. Rather, he's putting all he has into his job to provide for our family.

The challenging thing about motherhood is that the job is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. My job as a nurse can be this way too and my husband, who is a geological engineer, jokes "That's why I work with rocks!" By the end of the day I am ready to give my back a break and let him dance Claire around the kitchen or push Hudson in the laundry basket. It is a blessing, not a burden to be home, but like any job, it is important to find a balance so we both get a break. Not only does he feel pressure to work hard all day, but he also wants to spend time with his kids, has projects he wants to get done, a wife he wants to spend time with, and oh yeah friends and hobbies he would like to engage with if he ever had time. So when I treat his job like he has abandoned us all day it doesn't do anyone any good! 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Less "Doing" More "Being"

“You’re crazy!” 

I heard this a few times last week...from my mother, a handful of friends, and my husband. It’s not that I was intentionally looking for ways to overbook myself, everything just happened to fall in the same week. Yes, I had a baby seven weeks ago and decided to host a dinner and two big parties three nights in a row. Those things always look good on the calendar when you’re planning them because they all fell on different days. What can I say, I function well when I have lots of things to juggle. I didn’t take into account the emotional exhaustion or the fact that party prep is really only plausible in the evening hours after 7pm when my toddler is asleep in bed. So a crazy weekend it was! There wasn’t a lot of sleep but there was a lot of laughter, time with great friends, and joyful celebration. 

I rest well tonight having done it all and of course now thinking...that wasn’t so bad...

But why do I do this to myself? Why do I run around trying to fit in all things and leave little time to breathe? That can’t be a healthy way to live. If we didn’t throw our annual Christmas party people would understand...for heaven’s sake we just had a baby! But I often battle my own personal expectations to pull things off regardless of circumstance. It’s almost like it is a challenge I create for myself to overcome since I know subconsciously I will never back down from the challenge.

I was explaining to a friend why I enjoy hosting. It brings me great pleasure to bring people together and facilitate a place of openness and community. Between my last trimester of pregnancy and the following weeks after giving birth I felt I had fallen off the map. I thrive on relationships and socialization, something I had been missing for several weeks. Not to mention feeling like I had lost control over my body and my schedule, I needed to grasp control and feel accomplished in something. Therefore I put my energy in to hosting and flurried around for four days cooking, cleaning, and entertaining with great joy (and dragging my poor husband along for the ride). 

As I look back over the last few days I am so glad it all happened and wouldn’t have changed a thing. That being said, moving forward I recognize that I need to slow down and let go of the internal pressure to “do it all”. In this next year I am going to work on less “doing” and more “being”, in an effort to intentionally engage with others. I will most definitely be hosting things, as this brings me great joy, but no more stacking things so close that it limits my ability to look forward to and enjoy each event without thinking about what is coming next.

Can you relate?  

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

So Much to do...Not Enough Daylight

Only 45 minutes until the sun sets. My son had just woken up from his nap and my daughter would need to breastfeed again in 30-60 minutes. I had put off my walk so we could visit grandparents that morning and was desperate for some exercise. Not to mention I really needed a pair of heels for a black tie event the next day and my plan was to walk to DSW to complete this errand by way of a four mile walk. It was the perfect plan!

I nestled Claire in my front wrap and loaded Hudson in the stroller with an abundance of backup snacks and a cozy blanket. We were off. I made it in to DSW and down the first aisle when Claire woke up in a rage, her shrill hunger cry piercing the quiet of the store. Naturally, Hudson took this opportunity to try and climb out of the stroller and began crying out for snacks. I handed him some peanut butter puffs and then quickly donned my nursing cover so I could help Claire latch to feed. Her cries were replaced with a ferocious gulping noise. I tucked her bottom and legs back in my wrap to help support her while she fed. The stroller needed to move to keep Hudson happy so I began to cruise around the store looking for size 11 heels.  I was losing my daylight so there o time to sit and feed...

So yes, picture this: me walking around DSW, nursing cover over one shoulder, one arm bracing and supporting my nursing baby, the other arm pushing my toddler in the stroller and intermittently stopping to pull out a box of heels and try them on. It was quite comical. I received a lot of looks but no one said a thing. 

My husband called on his way home from work and offered to pick us up. I had been far too optimistic about the daylight situation and it was now dark and I was wearing black...a very safe way to walk around in rush hour and hope cars could see and yield to me and my two small children. It was also getting cold. He picked up Hudson and I detoured to Trader Joe’s, still determined to walk home. I loaded my stroller (now Hudsonless) with groceries. This was highly amusing to the cashier as it indeed looked like I buried my child with groceries. I too surrendered and asked for a ride after realizing the temperature had dropped and I found myself on the unplowed side of the sidewalk trying to push a stroller full of groceries through icy snow.

What a day! This happy, healthy active mommy has some work to do when it comes to moderation and relaxation. I’m working on taking care of myself as well as my kiddos. Again, I am striving. Each day is a new adventure and I strive for a balance. Now that my sleep hours at night have lengthened and I am working out again I feel energized and like a new person. My adrenaline got the best of me this day. I think next time I’ll pick a workout video instead of racing the sun...

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Seasonal Joy

Christmas time is here! I woke up the day after Thanksgiving with the ambitious intention to take down the fall decorations and fill the house with Christmas spirit (Yes, I am one of those people who will not break out the Christmas lights until the day after Thanksgiving). My husband was diligently working to put new shelving in the garage and I was awaiting nap time so I could accomplish my mission during my toddler’s 1-2 hour nap...which of course never happened. He chose to not nap and during his hour of taking to himself my sweet baby girl wanted to cluster feed...so needless to say I got a few boxes of decorations out of the basement and that was it. 

Hudson (my 18 month old) was taking great pleasure in unpacking all my boxes and playing with new found treasures. He was also looking for attention every time I picked up his sister or attempted to continue decorating. I had to take a step back and accept the fact that my agenda was not going to happen, and that was okay. I turned on my Amy Grant Christmas Pandora station and began to dance around the kitchen. 

Now mind you, I am no dancer. I have rhythm and can sing, but my parents tell me they never laughed as hard as they did watching me as a child attempting to be a ballerina. 

But my kiddos don’t know that!

So I stopped trying to hang the garland one handed and began to channel my inner ballerina as I danced around the kitchen, enjoying the seasonal sounds. Hudson thought this was hilarious and began to mimic my actions and spin circles with me, laughing and falling down as he spun. I set my baby down and picked him up and we began to dance. 

"It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

He giggled as we spun and dipped, and then nodded his head as to say “Again mom, again!”

We laughed and my husband joined in as he came in the door. The Christmas joy I had wanted to inspire through decorating was far more tangible in this moment. We then sat on the floor and played with the ornaments. Instead of putting the box out of his reach, we went through them one by one, Hudson admiring them and expressing "oohs and ahhs".  He adorned himself with the strings of beads and giggled with delight at the napkin ring holders he pulled out of the storage bin. 

I sat back and smiled. The music and decorations fill me with excitement and memories of Christmas, but it is the joy these things represent that should be predominantly displayed in our home and by my family. In this precious family time my son's pure joy reminded me of the reason for the season. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Grateful for Motherhood

A few months ago I was chasing Hudson (he was 15 months at the time) around the back of the church so I could hear mass without the rest of the congregation hearing his joyful voice. It was the normal routine: start in the pew until he was too restless, then pace the back of the church from the statue to the candles to the baptismal font, and then out behind the doors where all the other parents were standing rocking crying children or letting little ones roam. Hudson ran over to the bookshelf that displayed faith-focused books for sale and began to knock them off the shelf so he could then put them back.

It was a delightful game in his eyes, and an exhausting one in my eyes. I was in my third trimester of pregnancy and any game that involved bending down was not my favorite. There was an elderly gentleman sitting by the bookcase as Hudson loudly and gleefully sent the books crashing down. I bent down to put them back and looked up at the man apologetically, thinking he must be extremely irritated by the noise and distraction.

The man looked at me and smiled with shining eyes. "What a blessing!" he exclaimed, smiling at Hudson. "I wish I had that kind of energy again."

I was taken aback by his kindness and the joy he gleaned from Hudson. 
"Yes," I smiled back at him, "Yes, he is".

What I found as annoying this man saw as a gift. It was a beautiful reminder to enjoy each season of life for what is has to offer. It is so easy to become frustrated with my kids and I forget to appreciate their enthusiasm for life and contagious joy. There will always be challenges, but taking a step back I hear his words and am reminded of the incredible blessings my children are to me. So during this week of Thanksgiving I strive to maintain a grateful heart and count my blessings.

I give thanks for this gift of motherhood.

Can you relate?  

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Controlled Chaos

I have been an Emergency Nurse at a trauma center for four years and love situations that involve lots of adrenaline, fast-paced work, and critical thinking. We function in what we like to call "controlled chaos". Patient rolls through the door, little is known about their situation, and they are crashing. All hands are on deck to stabilize the patient. Meanwhile two other critical patients are rolling in the door, all rooms are full, and more help is needed in the hall. Prioritization some days is truly assessed by "Is anyone dying?" 

Motherhood is so challenging, but in so many different ways. No, nobody is bleeding out or dying at this moment (a mother's worst nightmare), but we still operate in a controlled chaos, just of a different nature.

For me, the chaos of home life with two little ones consists of constant needs. These come from the kids, the house, my husband, and myself. These are things like dishes, never-ending laundry, diapers, tantrums, needs for food (and lots of it), balancing marriage, sleep (lol), snuggles, story time, adventures to the park, play dates, nap time...the list goes on. And as you attempt to conquer one thing, priorities quickly shift as the two minute attention span of your child has now taken you to the other room to prevent them from painting the living room walls with the toilet brush...so the dishes will wait!

So when my husband comes home from work and wonders why the dishes are stacked in the sink, toys strewn across the floor, pots and pans are in the living room, and I have chalk across the backside of my sweatpants, I can choose to be frustrated or just laugh.

I laugh because at the end of the day it's very possible the dishes haven't been done, the laundry remains unfolded, and my son needs a bath to remove peanut butter from his hair...BUT, he is giggling and running around the living room playing peekaboo with me, we have sung 10 renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus", and he is now saying "please" (which adorably sounds like "peas"). I laugh because most days getting it all done is impossible if I'm trying to be intentional and engaged with the kids. These moments of engagement are the things that matter more than checking boxes off my personal list. 

When I reflect at the end of the day sometimes I feel like I have failed myself and my husband if I haven't been able to maintain the perfect household among other things. It was a fun, safe, and controlled day amidst the daily chaos. Then I remember I am human. My kiddos are happy and feel loved and that is something to be proud of. No one is dying and some things can wait until tomorrow. No one expects perfection except myself, so I need to give myself grace. I am striving. Every day, striving to be my best.

My "End of Shift Charting" might look something like this:
1901: Children are sleeping, respiratory rates even and unlabored, skin pink, warm, and dry. Claire due to feed at 2130. 10 diapers changed, ate Q2-3hours around the clock. Hudson drank 4oz milk and 3oz water before bed. Small bruise to right forehead from monkey bars at the park. Took 1.5hour nap today. Explored backyard and now loves chalk and bubbles. Bed time stories read and prayers said. Motrin given at 1830 for teething. Cooperative with bedtime routine.

House Assessment: Toy cars across bedroom floor, laundry hampers full, washing machine running. Crumbs on living room floor, trash can full with foul odor, leftovers in fridge.

Other Notes: Movie night with husband. Will reassess house tomorrow. -Christy Garbus RN

#strivinginmotherhood

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.
-Christy 

Just One of Those Days...

It was "just one of those days..."

Can you relate? I think as a mother those words say it all. One of those days where you count down the hours until your spouse gets home. One of those days your toddler refuses to nap and instead sticks his leg through the slat in the crib to get it stuck to get your attention...instead of napping. One of those days you continually look at the clock and feel like bedtime will never come and consider making bedtime earlier than usual for everyone's sanity. One of those days where you're already exhausted and drained and then both children want to be held all day long, at the same time, and always while you're trying to cook or clean something. One of those days where you're feeding the baby and the toddler wants to be held and breaks down in tears when he sees you are occupied with his sister.

One of those days you finish putting kids to bed, sit down, and just feel exhausted. The house is a mess, the dishes are piled in the sink, the laundry still needs to get done, you desperately need a shower, and you have work to do but you really need sleep. It's only 7pm and if I go to bed now I lose all my precious "me" time or "me and husband" time which is rare these days. I'll be up to feed the baby in 2-3 hours anyways and I've already cut in to that time so is it even worth sleeping yet?

It was one of those days. So I finished feeding my one month old, gave her to my hubby for some bonding time, and went to take a bath with my organic chocolate chip ice cream. I sat in the bath and took a deep breath to recharge. Another day had passed. A long day, but it was over. I felt the exhaustion settle in over my tired body and reflected on the day. I hadn't been at my best. My temper was shorter than usual and I felt I didn't give my sweet 18 month old the intentional time I usually do, which is probably why he was acting out all day...

Was I selfish for wanting him to go to bed early? Did I fail him as mom today? 

I took a moment to process all that had happened, most things that felt bigger than they actually were, and turned my mind to a state of gratitude. I find this a helpful tool when I am overwhelmed and feeling subpar in my role as mom. I am so grateful for the gift of my kids. No matter how hard a day is, they are a blessing. I am grateful for my time at home that I get to spend with them. Not every moment will be perfect, but I have the fortune of getting to raise them and need to remember to treasure these years where they are sweet, innocent, and so in awe of all things around them. (Hopefully they will be sweet and innocent forever!) There is a reason older moms tell you not to blink because they do grow up so fast. 

I refocus to live in the present instead of wishing away this time and stage of life. After all, it was just one day. Tomorrow I will have more patience. Tomorrow is a new day. I finish my alone time with a refreshed state of mind and a grateful heart. It's hard to be angry, burned out, or frustrated while actively expressing gratitude. 

I head to bed ready to take on tomorrow and thank God for the gift of a new day. 



Can you relate? 
Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.  
Christy 

Striving in Motherhood

“I think I’m going to have to go to work this week if I want to have enough vacation time for January,” my husband said.

“Sure, no problem,” I replied. “I can handle it…”

But can I handle it? 

It had only been a little over a week since I had given birth and I was still physically hurting. My eyes brimmed with tears because, well, quite frankly anything could make me cry right now. Not only that, but I wasn’t emotionally prepared to take on my newborn and toddler solo until Monday. I thought I still had a solid 5 days until I’d have to think about that juggling act, so mentally I was not ready and my energy was still at an all-time low. The more I stood and attempted to simultaneously match the energy and attention needs of my newborn and my 17 month old, the more overwhelmed I became. Today pain and bleeding had returned, making me feel even less equipped to fly solo the next day. 

I really am hurting, but am I making this up? Is my body in stress overload and it’s manifesting physically? (This is the paranoid nurse in me)

Why is this so hard? Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Women do this every day with even more children and I don’t see them complaining! Why can’t I pull it together?

Needless to say there was an explanation for my pain and bleeding that was not psychosomatic, and I did survive my husband working a half day the next day. Sleep deprived and emotional I set my mind to take it one hour at a time. We all made it to 5pm when Dad came home and it felt like a small victory to have managed the two by myself.

I believe that being a mom is one of the hardest and most humbling jobs a woman can have. While I have other hats I wear in other jobs, I write this from the perspective of mom. Working mom and mostly stay at home mom…I have a taste of both. I am still new to this journey of motherhood and will continue to learn each and every day. I am striving. Striving because I am not and never will be perfect, but every day I give it my all and pray that it is enough. 

This is my place of reflection. I reflect on who I am, what I do, and who I am called to be. I strive to grow from my mistakes, laugh at myself, and raise my kids to be the best they can be, and I strive to do it all with great love. I welcome you behind the scenes of my life on this journey of motherhood. Here I strive to be raw, honest, and vulnerable because being a mom is hard and I know I am not alone in what I encounter. 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 

Christy