My NFP Journey

In honor of NFP Awareness Week I wanted to reflect on my personal NFP journey...

I have always been a rule follower. Yup, things were black and white, right and wrong, and I really liked staying in the lines and out of trouble. This personality trait has a lot a positives to it. I have always been very driven, a high achiever, and seen the "big picture" of things. On the downside, it led to an extremist tendency. For example, when I turned 21 it just didn't feel right to go from not being allowed to drink to it suddenly being okay...and I definitely wasn't going to go out on the town and get drunk...so I refused to take my first drink of alcohol until months later. I didn't have a good reason, I had just trained my brain so hard one direction that it was not an easy feeling to adjust. It took me a long time to drink socially and feel okay with the concept. 

So similarly, when I was told sex before marriage was a sin, my brain channeled that in to the same category. Unfortunately that led to more of a "sex is bad" mantra verses an understanding of the love and purpose behind the teaching. I liked the rules, but just following a rule I learned was meaningless without a foundation of knowledge behind the "why". When I was asked "Why do you practice NFP?", my initial response was, "Because I'm Catholic". I quickly concluded that answer was not enough. I no longer wanted to just follow the rules, rather I wanted to understand why the rules were present to allow me to grow in my relationship with my husband and with Christ. 

I was blown away by what I found

NFP has been around for a long time, but not without questioning. In fact, an entire council sat down and recommended to the Pope that he overturn the Church's teaching on contraception to adapt with the changes in culture. Obviously the teaching didn't change, but why? 

Do not separate the unitive and procreative act. 

This means one may work within the natural bounds on your God-given fertility to achieve or avoid pregnancy. In addition, every act of intercourse should fulfill these four things: 

1. Fully human (You have free will and can choose when to have intercourse-in or out of your fertile window)
2. Totally (I take you completely for all that you are, including your fertility)
3. Faithful (With only your spouse)
4. Fruitful (You DO NOT have to conceive every time, but if you do you are always open to the possibility of life)

Wow...This is how I want to be loved, and this is how I want to love my husband: Fully, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. This means when we come together there is 100% love. We are not using each other strictly for pleasure, rather to unite wholly with the love of God. Unitive mean coming together in marriage, which is important, and procreative because we are always open to life, even when we think our chances of conceiving are less than 2%. There is so much grace, peace, and security that comes with this!

When we got married (5 years ago!!) my husband and I committed to using NFP before we totally understood the full definition. We started with a mucus-based method and avoided pregnancy for 2.5 years. I had some underlying health issues and was able to identify a progesterone deficiency using my chart. This information allowed me to seek treatment from a Catholic OBGYN  and two months after starting progesterone supplementation, we conceived my son. This was a surprise, but the best one we ever received. It was a blessing that my body was finally healthy enough to carry a child. 

After giving birth we were introduced to the Marquette Method, a way to objectively measure urinary hormones to chart our fertility. We used Marquette to avoid pregnancy, and then to achieve pregnancy with our daughter. We love this method so much and how it helped us navigate the uncertainties of the postpartum period. I felt God calling me to use my master's degree in nursing education to teach in a capacity that united faith, science, and education. He led me straight in to teaching the Marquette Method!

It is truly incredible to be in tune with one's own body and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully designed by God. In a world where fertility is treated like a disease, NFP has allowed me to see the gift that it is. 

So what about NFP in marriage? It is not always easy. The hardest part is that you abstain when you are most fertile and your libido is the highest. Hands down the most difficult part. What is beautiful in that? First off, the fact that my husband loves and respects me so much that he is willing to demonstrate self mastery and show love in other ways (ie: cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, back massage, etc.). That takes a strong, faithful, and devoted husband and it an absolute dying to self and demonstration of love. I remind him of that too because I know it isn't easy. It also gives me an opportunity to demonstrate the same love to him. Second, NFP forces us to communicate. Do we want to conceive? Do we want to avoid? If we take a risk we do so in good conscious knowing that God has a greater plan. While we feel confident in our 98% effectiveness stats using the Marquette Method, we have a greater peace in the loving intentions of God the Father who always knows best. Third, it has strengthened our marriage because we allow God in to the most intimate part of our relationship. A cord of three strands is not easily broken, and God's love and grace is the best glue in a marriage.

I practice what I teach. I will say NFP is an incredible blessing in my life, in my marriage, and helps me grow closer to God. 

It is a journey, and as always, I am striving. 

Journey with me, walk with me, and feel free to comment.

Christy 
www.nfpteaching.com
@nfpteaching
#strivinginmotherhood

COVID vs. Control

Either I have COVID or I'm losing my mind...

This is what I thought earlier this week as I woke up with a throbbing headache, chills, and every muscle in my body fatigued. The day before I had also felt the fatigue....and the five days before that...but I pushed through, ran my kids around town and up mountains (literally, by means of backpack and stroller), drank coffee by morning and afternoon and the occasional glass of wine by evening, and said I was fine. 

I have a history of fatigue issues and that is a long story for another day. In short, stress triggered something when I was in college and I went from being an elite college athlete to facing a 7 year battle with fatigue, exhaustion, headaches, diet changes, and a battered ego. So needless to say the feeling of fatigue is something I am familiar with and usually wields it's evil head when I am overdoing it, pregnant, or not eating well. The latter of the two were under control, so I cowered under my covers recognizing that I either finally caught "the virus" or this was self-inflicted. 

Two days of sleep (God bless my husband) and one negative test later I had to face the reality that my symptoms were indeed self-inflicted. Wow. It's bad when as a nurse you feel awful enough to go to the doctor. Nurses do not like being the patient. And then to find out that I could have prevented this entire breakdown if I had stopped and listened to my body.

Quarantine has been an emotional struggle. It wasn't until this week that I admitted that. Sure it's a bummer to not see your friends, but the lack of ability to fill up my social calendar and have a change of scenery was definitely getting to me. 

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. BOOM (emotions explode, breaks in to tears). Okay,  I'm not fine.

Anyone else feel like this recently? Emotional roller coaster over here!

As I reflect on the root issue it seems to come back to control.  I can't control a whole lot in social isolation, but what I can control is getting outside and walking. I can take my kids to the lake, and I get some exercise and those endorphins that take me back to my years as a competitive athlete. After my 5 mile walk I feel like I can conquer the world! That is, until I ignore the fact that my body needs to take a break every now and again. So I abused what was in my control to subsequently throw myself out of control once again. Sound like a vicious cycle that needs mediation.

Anyone else feeling tired without great reason for exhaustion? Anyone else have days where they just need to cry even though things could be so much worse? 

I am human, I am a social being, and it is okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay as long as we can take the time to feel, stop, reflect, and move forward. 

So moving forward I am seizing control in a new way. 

I can control being present to my kids, even if it's just at home in the backyard. So I put my phone down and give them 100% attention. 

I can control taking care of my body. I am embarking on a 4 week paleo diet challenge to detox my body, increase my energy, and decrease the neurotic need to walk 5 miles every day. 

I can control the time I have for me. I am learning to advocate for my work time, and in this I am building in prayer time. If God is truly the most important part of my life then I should start acting like it. It's amazing the clarity and peace that has come over me after making time for this in just the last two weeks. 

I can control what I say and how I appear. I am striving to exude joy. I want my children to see their mother as happy, healthy, and joy-filled, so they may emulate such a disposition.  

Again, I am not perfect, but I am striving. #strivinginmotherhood

Walk with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 
Follow me @nfpteaching
www.nfpteaching.com

Do Not Lose Heart

Every time I finish teaching a client I feel like flying. It’s an adrenaline rush that comes from feeling full of life and full of hope. I have the pleasure of teaching beautiful couples who are so in love, and who are excited to learn more about the gift of their fertility. I couldn’t ask for a greater clientele!

This week a client sent me a message of hope and told me they were praying for me on the frontlines in the ER. I was floored by the sincerity and kindness of her words. She left me with this passage from 2 Corinthians 4:7-18, and I want to focus on three of these verses:

16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”.

Things right now feel so uncertain. Where am I supposed to be? Picking up extra shifts on the front lines? Staying home more with my kids? Is it okay to feel stir crazy and stuck at home when I should be counting my blessings...like the fact that I have children, a job, and a home to be stuck in? 

Inwardly we are being renewed...

I have heard so many comments about how God knows what we need. How is this isolation renewing? Well, I have more time with my husband and kids. I am appreciating small things like sunshine and watching my toddler’s language explode with new words and sentences. I am making time for prayer both alone and with my family. I am grateful for this gift of intentional time. 

Fix my eyes in what is unseen...

This last week I heard a sermon where the priest said that God is not surprised by this virus. He didn’t make it happen, but He is not surprised. Therefore, we are called to fix our eyes on Him, to choose hope, and know that He will indeed provide. 

I draw my mind back to these thoughts when I start to feel frustrated, when I start to resent the fact that I can’t go anywhere, and when I feel the wave of anxiety creeping up as I prepare to go back in to work. 

No matter what comes through those waiting room doors, God has this. It may not be easy, it may not be controlled, but I have to fix my eyes on and draw strength from something greater than myself. If I rely only on the media and the world, I will be overcome with fear and anxiety and it will be really hard to recover from what is to come. If I can find God in the midst of this I can face it with more courage and come through it with more hope. This is bigger than me and out of my control, and therefore calls for a hope and solution that is also bigger than me. 

I thank God for my education and my job. It is a privilege to be able to serve my community on the frontlines in the ER. I pray for peace of mind and heart, safety, perseverance, strength and courage.  

Thank you for staying home

Can You Relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

#strivinginmotherhood

www.nfpteaching.com

I Can't Stay Home-I'm a Nurse

I am an ER nurse, we live for this. The city-wide panic, the adrenaline rush of being on the front lines, the desire to jump in to all the action...the overconfident assumption that we are immune to everything...

So why does this feel different?

I spent some time reflecting on this and have come to the conclusion that the reason this epidemic is so frightening is because it is bigger than me. Cases with car accidents, traumas, patient's stroking or bleeding out, or in cardiac arrest can be challenging on many levels, but we jump in hands first knowing that the worst thing we carry home is the emotional trauma of the day (don't get me wrong, day in and out that is brutal in itself- a topic for another day). That is on me. As we prepare for a potential surge of patients, the magnitude of this virus carries a lot of unknowns and I am struck by the realization that this is bigger than me. How many of us have already been exposed and are carrying it? What if I am the reason a loved one gets exposed and ends up with serious complications? Would it be prudent to isolate myself from my husband and children?

...because right now just going to work puts me at a greater risk than the average person, and coming down with the virus, while that part doesn't frighten me, passing it along to an immune-compromised family member does. This is bigger than protecting just myself, but everyone around me.

There is so much I am grateful for. I thank God every day that I have a secure job and that my husband can work from home. I am grateful I have healthy children, food in the pantry, and a backyard to enjoy these sunny days. I am also grateful that I work in a hospital that puts my safety first. I have the appropriate gear to care for COVID patients and Health One has really been on the ball about staying ahead of what could be coming. 

My prayer is that all the shutdowns and social isolation truly will flatten the curve of this disease. I pray we don't run out of ICU beds or ventilator capability. I pray our staff stays well so we have the manpower to safely care for these patients. I pray that the world comes together to care for each other during this time. 

Please, I beg you, from a nurse and mother on the front lines, remember that this is greater than yourself. You might not be at high risk, but think about the people in your life who are...grandparents, in-laws, neighbors, etc. A few weeks of social isolation will only be a few weeks if we can stop the spread of this virus. Thankfully we live in a time where the internet provides education, fitness classes, video chat, Facetime, and many ways to stay connected and engaged with many aspects of normal life. Get groceries if you need food, but send one person or order them online and don't hoard food from everyone else. 

Ever wish the world would just stop for a few days? Guess what?! Wish granted!

This is not a time to panic, but it is a time to seriously consider the consequences of your actions. If you're stir crazy, take a walk outside, enjoy the fresh air, and keep distance from others. Pick up a new hobby, call a friend you haven't in a while, or get going on those yard projects.

Just remember those of us out there caring for the sickest. We want to be able to adequately care for them all, and can't afford a surge greater than what might already be headed our way based on current exposure and incubation periods. 

Can You Relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 

#strivinginmotherhood
www.nfpteaching.com

Work Hard, Play Harder

I have returned to my 12 hour shifts in the ER since having my daughter. I’ve been working, but from home, which has afforded an incredible luxury of teaching mostly in the evenings after the kids are in bed for the night. I answer emails and post things during nap time, and get to spend all day playing and running after my toddler and 4 month old. 

As I headed back to the hospital this week I was reminded of just how hard it is to be a working mom...

This comes on so many different levels. First of all I love being a nurse and I really enjoy my job working in the ER. I am an adrenaline junkie and love the fast-paced, high stakes critical thinking that comes with the territory. I also love the opportunity to be present to people and make a difference on what could very well be one of the hardest or scariest days of their lives. I have the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ in all that I do. And when I remember how much I love my job, I am tempted to jump right back in to over-committing myself and jumping on the trajectory of clinical career advancement-something I have decided to take a step back from for a few years while I raise my kids.

It was easier to leave the kids this time around because they love days they get to hang out with Nana and Papa. When I told Hudson we were going to “Nan and Pa’s” he replied, “Nan! Pa! Bye mom!” He was clearly letting me know that he would be fine without me for a few hours. It is a blessing to have my in-laws willing and able to watch them and to know they also get quality Daddy time in the evening when I am at work. This time around I also know they will still love me when they see me again in the morning.

My 12 hour shifts in the ER are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I am on my feet so much that my Apple Watch thinks I have sufficiently worked out by the end of a shift. I forgot that after 12 hours every limb feels achey and restless, and when I crawled into bed Saturday night I desperately needed a back massage to help me fall asleep. 

I woke up the next morning, exhausted, and to the delighted cries of my toddler looking for “Mom!!!!”

Now, being a mom is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting on a whole different level. Matching the energy and excitement level of a toddler is far more exhausting than I ever imagined. So, on some level, going to work and interacting with adults can feel like an emotional break. On the other hand, the emotional drain at work comes from things like reasoning with all 10 waiting room patients who think their emergency should warrant the next available bed, or resuscitating a patient you took care of and talked to for several hours who then decompensated before your eyes. This is then coupled with late nights shifts and quick turnarounds the next morning to being energetic mommy for my son and middle of the night milk provider for my daughter. 

The day after my first shift back at work I crawled around the floor chasing my son and let him climb on my back for a ride. We built block towers, knocked them over, and built them again. We danced in the kitchen to “Baby Shark” and sang an incredible number of verses to “The Wheels on the Bus”. It was exhausting, but I was so incredibly grateful for these moments. I think finding a balance is hard.
Some days I have clients on my brain and a lot of emails and prep work to complete for teaching, and other days I am ruminating events and cases from my shift at the hospital. My kids don’t know what is going on in my brain, they just know Mom is home and they enjoy every second of our play time together. I am working on balancing work and home so I can be fully present wherever I am on a given day. Fully present to my patients who need me, with a peace of being a working mom because I am providing for my kids. Fully present to my kids who need me to leave teaching work for nap time and bed time. I am grateful I don’t have to work every day, and I am grateful for my days at work that help me really appreciate and make the most of my days home with the kids.

This is my reality, and I strive to balance life well so I can work hard, but then play even harder with my kiddos when I go home. As a mom I get to toss the cares of the world aside while I enter the wonder and awe-filled world of my toddler and infant. This is where laughter abounds, everything is a game, and the little things are amazing.

My new motto is to live, love, work hard, and play harder.

Can you relate?

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment. 

@nfpteaching
#strivinginmotherhood
www.nfpteaching.com

The Time of My Life

Colorado to Maryland, Maryland to Georgia, Georgia to Colorado. As I sit here on the plane en route to my brother’s wedding I have an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. I am listening to my husband talk my son through the process of takeoff as he waves and exclaims, “Hi man!” to the worker directing plane traffic, and “Bye airplane!” as we pull out on the runway. I am constantly in awe of this man I married and so grateful for his constant love and enthusiasm with our kiddos. 

This is an incredible time in life. It is hard and challenging and utterly exhausting most days, but it is beautiful, joy filled, and packed full of love and wonder.  Everything with a toddler is an adventure, and I set my mind to that when this trip began. Vacation implies relaxation, which is an unrealistic expectation with two under two. “Family adventure” has a much better ring to it, carrying the anticipation of fun and laughter with no expectation of alone time or sleep-just precious, priceless quality time and memories. 

We are halfway through our trip at this point and I am simply filled with joy. No we haven’t slept great and I have lots of caffeine on board, but we continue to laugh, Hudson continues to be in awe of every new place we go, and we are enjoying precious time as a family. I am going to soak-in and revel in every moment because one day vacations will be easy and relaxing again, and I know then I’ll be reminiscing of the days where they loved snuggles and kisses and couldn’t wait to ride an airplane. 

This is a glorious stage. I’m having the time of my life because this time is unlike any other and I don’t want to let it slip away. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment!

@nfpteaching 
#strivinginmotherhood 
www.nfpteaching.com

Moderation

Moderation. It’s something I struggle with big time...and always have. I battle a toxic little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough if I’m not the best.

 That B+ was failing because I was capable of a solid A. 
That to-do list that grows by the day because I can’t get it all done is unacceptable. 

It’s also the reason my stomach turns inside out if I hear that I made someone upset or didn’t meet expectations. I spend so much energy people pleasing and pleasing the perfectionist inside me that the thought of doing something wrong makes me feel like a complete failure...I know, completely ridiculous, right?! A book I read recently (The Heart of Perfection by Colleen Carroll Campbell-HIGHLY recommend)  speaks to this perfectionist tendency when it comes to moderation. Campbell says that the perfectionist finds moderation and balance counter-intuitive to their nature. Why should I need balance? I can get it all done and balance would just slow me down...and this is what can be so toxic. Thank you Colleen for putting words to something so real in my life and calling out my dissatisfaction with having to take a break. She also clarifies that there is no room for perfectionist tendencies in motherhood.

As I’ve mentioned many times before, motherhood has humbled me. It has also helped me learn to accept this idea of moderation and balance. When your kiddos come first in life you really can't meet all the same demands you put on yourself before they existed. This leaves limited time for self, and I have to decide how to balance that. I can’t go to the gym every night, and really, I shouldn’t. I’m tired as it is from breastfeeding, working, and taking care of my kids. Do I need to push myself at the gym to lose the baby weight in record time and make myself more exhausted for the next day?

The answer is no, and I have to remind myself that it is okay to take a break. I am no longer a college athlete pushing myself to the limit to ensure optimal performance in my sport. I will always be an athlete and fitness will remain important to me, but balance is remaining active, eating well, and keeping my priorities in check. At this stage of life it is not maxing out weights or beating a personal record every week.

So where in my past life of B.K. (before kids) I would have anxiety about not working out every single day, my new and improved self A.K. (after kids) can tolerate a day of healing, rest, and relaxation.

When you come from an extreme end of the spectrum sometimes moderation can be as simple as choosing to stay home, sip a glass of wine and watch Netflix with my husband. The win is internally being okay with this choice. I continue to battle that toxic voice, but practice makes perfect and I hope that by example I can teach my children how to live with balance in their life.

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood www.nfpteaching.com 

God, Grant me Serenity

I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin for no reason. Restless, closed off, distant, emotional...I just wanted to cry!

Anxiety is hands down my least favorite feeling. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I feel overwhelmed and out of control... a volcano about to explode if I don't find a way to release the restless energy...and boy do I hate feeling out of control! My sweet husband gave me an out to the gym to blow off some steam, the one hour to myself I  needed more than anything. I powered on the elliptical feeling my energy put to good use and feeling relief as sweat trickled down my neck.

Searching for wisdom I came across the following verse:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". Philippians 4:6-7

This verse took me to prayer. I thought I was looking to scripture for advice, but in all actuality I was looking to solve the problem on my own. I have a pattern always trying to be the one in control. The intentions are good and I think I am handling it all, and then realize that I am actually trying to do it alone. Reflecting on this verse I was called to take a step back. This verse wasn't telling me that I could fix this on my own, rather it reminded me that I needed to let God in and surrender my underlying fears, insecurities, and frustrations. I needed to be okay with letting go of the control, which was the underlying cause of my anxiety.

I am working to bring God in to every part of my daily life. I shouldn't just call when I need Him, but I should invite Him in to even the simple, mundane aspects of my everyday living. I am striving to find the constant peace and security that comes with His presence. I need to stop trying to be in control and let go of the unrealistic expectations that only I set for myself. I am loved simply for who I am. I am always enough. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Jesus, I trust in You. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Play Dates or Mom Dates

Who are your people? Do you have even one person you can call on when things get tough or who you feel "gets" you? I talk about this a lot with nursing. You have to have someone you can process your day with who was in the trenches with you and understands the physical, mental, and emotional toll of the job.

Motherhood is the same way.

This week I was reminded of the importance of having community. After Claire's baptism we invited people back to the house for dinner. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I looked around at all the amazing friends in our life. We have friends in all stages, but all who have been present in different ways to love and support us in our life journey. The kids ran around and played together and the house was filled with conversation, laughter, and joy.

I once heard that you will only take a handful of people with you through each stage of life, and found this to be true as I moved from childhood to high school, college, single life, married life, and now life with children. The reality is you need some people who are experiencing life as you are. These are the people who understand the hardest days because they too are going through it themselves. I have friends in all stages of life and it is important to hold on to those friendships that are dear to you, but it is also important to expand your friend group so you don't feel alone.

Motherhood can feel isolating.

In the beginning you're not sleeping and not sure how you're going to survive. No one told you it was going to be this hard! Your schedule revolves around nap time, feedings, and the limitations based on the age of your child. Then you have two kids and feel like you can never leave the house for more than an hour before someone needs to be breastfed or it's time for the other's nap. Sometimes it's easier to stay home then try to coordinate all the diapers and snacks you need to be out of the house for two hours...and that's if you get out of the house on time!

Play dates are life giving! I have a group of friends and all our kids were born within a year of each other. When we started getting together they would all lay on the floor and roll, and now they run around putting buckets on each other's heads and steal each other's toys. While we enjoy watching them play and the kids love it, us moms have decided that they are really "Mom dates". This is the 1-2 hours we get to sit and process the joys and struggles of motherhood. I know I'm not the only one with a toddler who throws tantrums and some days runs my patience to the ground, and it is nice to share ideas and be affirmed in my role as mom. We are all doing our best and supporting each other in this stage of life.

You will never regret getting out of the house to socialize, even if it's in your yoga pants and hair in a messy bun. All of us moms know we're not perfect and it is so life giving to be surrounded by people who are real, not afraid to talk about the hard things, and who are there to build you up.

Find your people. If you don't have any, google mom groups, ask around at your church or place of work, or find a group like "MOPS" (mothers of preschoolers). If you have a group, be that one to invite someone in with a new baby. Moms have to support each other. In this day where most of us are balancing home, work, life, marriage, and motherhood, we need an intentional group that provides love and support.

Find ways to be in community. We are made to walk through life with others, not alone.

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

The Ultimate Surrender

So you have a baby...and it's the most beautiful, wonderful miracle. After you get through the first few weeks of healing (which no one ever tells you about) and forget the trauma of birth itself, you stare at your little one and ask yourself, How in the heck did you come out of me?!

Motherhood is truly a remarkable gift, and one that changes life for the better. It is also what I would call the ultimate surrender.

Now, if you are a type-A perfectionist like myself, you love to be in control. I love to make lists, cross things off those lists, and preferably on sticky notes so I can physically check things off and throw them away when they are complete. I hate seeing unread emails in my inbox. They have to be answered in full so I can then delete them or file them in a folder for future reference. I like my laundry baskets empty, folded clothes in drawers, dishes done, bathrooms clean, and floors vacuumed. If I can sit on the couch at the end of the night and relax, it's because my "to-do" list for the day has been completed....

This was pre-children...because my ultimate surrender has been learning that putting my kiddos first means that not everything on that list will get done. Nap time will not always be two hours long and the chances of both of them sleeping at the same time is rare. Even then, it is okay to use nap time for myself and not run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be super mom. Failing to meet the expectation of a perfectly clean house, new meal on the table every night, and intentionally entertained children all day is only failing to meet an unrealistic expectation that I have set for myself.

This blog is called "striving in motherhood" because I am not perfect and continue to strive to accept this surrender of control. Ultimately that is what I have found it comes down to-a loss of a sense of control over the little things. There are many days I find myself frustrated and wanting to accomplish tasks rather than be present to my husband or sit and play on the floor for thirty minutes with my son over washing dishes. It is when I make a conscious decision to be present that I am reminded of the value in that time. Thirty minutes chasing my son around the kitchen or indulging his desire to be tickled every time he lays on the floor and exclaims "Oh no!" is thirty minutes of intentional time that says "I love you". It is thirty minutes void of tantrums or frustration and thirty minutes of giggles, laughter, and joy.

Giggles, laughter, and joy...now there's something I don't put on my list every day...but wouldn't those be better goals to strive for?

Things still need to get done, and they do. Just not all in one day and at the expense of appreciating the precious time I have with my family. Like all things, there needs to be a balance. This is something I am focusing on more and  more as I prepare to return to work. Work will require even more balance and less time in the week.

So here's to countless years ahead of living in the present, enjoying the little moments, and learning to surrender control. 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

The 8 Hour Vacation...Called Work

“Oh my gosh you’re finally home!” Ever say that when your husband walks in the door after a long day at work? From his perspective he’s worked hard for 8 hours to provide for the family, is tired and hungry and relieved to be home. That is until he walks in the door and is greeted by two screaming children and an overwhelmed wife who hands him one of the kids while exclaiming how grateful she is to have some help. Oh and by the way he just pooped so could you handle that for me? 

Nice to see you too, he thinks. 

One of my girlfriends described this as “the 8 hour vacation...called work”. Isn’t it true? I am totally guilty of treating my husband like he has been "on vacation" or "taking a break" when he comes home from an 8 hour day at work. I work hard all day too caring for and entertaining the kids, keeping the house In order, managing the bills, etc. but need to remember that just because he hasn't been home all day doesn't mean he's been fishing and drinking beer. Rather, he's putting all he has into his job to provide for our family.

The challenging thing about motherhood is that the job is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually taxing. My job as a nurse can be this way too and my husband, who is a geological engineer, jokes "That's why I work with rocks!" By the end of the day I am ready to give my back a break and let him dance Claire around the kitchen or push Hudson in the laundry basket. It is a blessing, not a burden to be home, but like any job, it is important to find a balance so we both get a break. Not only does he feel pressure to work hard all day, but he also wants to spend time with his kids, has projects he wants to get done, a wife he wants to spend time with, and oh yeah friends and hobbies he would like to engage with if he ever had time. So when I treat his job like he has abandoned us all day it doesn't do anyone any good! 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Less "Doing" More "Being"

“You’re crazy!” 

I heard this a few times last week...from my mother, a handful of friends, and my husband. It’s not that I was intentionally looking for ways to overbook myself, everything just happened to fall in the same week. Yes, I had a baby seven weeks ago and decided to host a dinner and two big parties three nights in a row. Those things always look good on the calendar when you’re planning them because they all fell on different days. What can I say, I function well when I have lots of things to juggle. I didn’t take into account the emotional exhaustion or the fact that party prep is really only plausible in the evening hours after 7pm when my toddler is asleep in bed. So a crazy weekend it was! There wasn’t a lot of sleep but there was a lot of laughter, time with great friends, and joyful celebration. 

I rest well tonight having done it all and of course now thinking...that wasn’t so bad...

But why do I do this to myself? Why do I run around trying to fit in all things and leave little time to breathe? That can’t be a healthy way to live. If we didn’t throw our annual Christmas party people would understand...for heaven’s sake we just had a baby! But I often battle my own personal expectations to pull things off regardless of circumstance. It’s almost like it is a challenge I create for myself to overcome since I know subconsciously I will never back down from the challenge.

I was explaining to a friend why I enjoy hosting. It brings me great pleasure to bring people together and facilitate a place of openness and community. Between my last trimester of pregnancy and the following weeks after giving birth I felt I had fallen off the map. I thrive on relationships and socialization, something I had been missing for several weeks. Not to mention feeling like I had lost control over my body and my schedule, I needed to grasp control and feel accomplished in something. Therefore I put my energy in to hosting and flurried around for four days cooking, cleaning, and entertaining with great joy (and dragging my poor husband along for the ride). 

As I look back over the last few days I am so glad it all happened and wouldn’t have changed a thing. That being said, moving forward I recognize that I need to slow down and let go of the internal pressure to “do it all”. In this next year I am going to work on less “doing” and more “being”, in an effort to intentionally engage with others. I will most definitely be hosting things, as this brings me great joy, but no more stacking things so close that it limits my ability to look forward to and enjoy each event without thinking about what is coming next.

Can you relate?  

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

So Much to do...Not Enough Daylight

Only 45 minutes until the sun sets. My son had just woken up from his nap and my daughter would need to breastfeed again in 30-60 minutes. I had put off my walk so we could visit grandparents that morning and was desperate for some exercise. Not to mention I really needed a pair of heels for a black tie event the next day and my plan was to walk to DSW to complete this errand by way of a four mile walk. It was the perfect plan!

I nestled Claire in my front wrap and loaded Hudson in the stroller with an abundance of backup snacks and a cozy blanket. We were off. I made it in to DSW and down the first aisle when Claire woke up in a rage, her shrill hunger cry piercing the quiet of the store. Naturally, Hudson took this opportunity to try and climb out of the stroller and began crying out for snacks. I handed him some peanut butter puffs and then quickly donned my nursing cover so I could help Claire latch to feed. Her cries were replaced with a ferocious gulping noise. I tucked her bottom and legs back in my wrap to help support her while she fed. The stroller needed to move to keep Hudson happy so I began to cruise around the store looking for size 11 heels.  I was losing my daylight so there o time to sit and feed...

So yes, picture this: me walking around DSW, nursing cover over one shoulder, one arm bracing and supporting my nursing baby, the other arm pushing my toddler in the stroller and intermittently stopping to pull out a box of heels and try them on. It was quite comical. I received a lot of looks but no one said a thing. 

My husband called on his way home from work and offered to pick us up. I had been far too optimistic about the daylight situation and it was now dark and I was wearing black...a very safe way to walk around in rush hour and hope cars could see and yield to me and my two small children. It was also getting cold. He picked up Hudson and I detoured to Trader Joe’s, still determined to walk home. I loaded my stroller (now Hudsonless) with groceries. This was highly amusing to the cashier as it indeed looked like I buried my child with groceries. I too surrendered and asked for a ride after realizing the temperature had dropped and I found myself on the unplowed side of the sidewalk trying to push a stroller full of groceries through icy snow.

What a day! This happy, healthy active mommy has some work to do when it comes to moderation and relaxation. I’m working on taking care of myself as well as my kiddos. Again, I am striving. Each day is a new adventure and I strive for a balance. Now that my sleep hours at night have lengthened and I am working out again I feel energized and like a new person. My adrenaline got the best of me this day. I think next time I’ll pick a workout video instead of racing the sun...

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Seasonal Joy

Christmas time is here! I woke up the day after Thanksgiving with the ambitious intention to take down the fall decorations and fill the house with Christmas spirit (Yes, I am one of those people who will not break out the Christmas lights until the day after Thanksgiving). My husband was diligently working to put new shelving in the garage and I was awaiting nap time so I could accomplish my mission during my toddler’s 1-2 hour nap...which of course never happened. He chose to not nap and during his hour of taking to himself my sweet baby girl wanted to cluster feed...so needless to say I got a few boxes of decorations out of the basement and that was it. 

Hudson (my 18 month old) was taking great pleasure in unpacking all my boxes and playing with new found treasures. He was also looking for attention every time I picked up his sister or attempted to continue decorating. I had to take a step back and accept the fact that my agenda was not going to happen, and that was okay. I turned on my Amy Grant Christmas Pandora station and began to dance around the kitchen. 

Now mind you, I am no dancer. I have rhythm and can sing, but my parents tell me they never laughed as hard as they did watching me as a child attempting to be a ballerina. 

But my kiddos don’t know that!

So I stopped trying to hang the garland one handed and began to channel my inner ballerina as I danced around the kitchen, enjoying the seasonal sounds. Hudson thought this was hilarious and began to mimic my actions and spin circles with me, laughing and falling down as he spun. I set my baby down and picked him up and we began to dance. 

"It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

He giggled as we spun and dipped, and then nodded his head as to say “Again mom, again!”

We laughed and my husband joined in as he came in the door. The Christmas joy I had wanted to inspire through decorating was far more tangible in this moment. We then sat on the floor and played with the ornaments. Instead of putting the box out of his reach, we went through them one by one, Hudson admiring them and expressing "oohs and ahhs".  He adorned himself with the strings of beads and giggled with delight at the napkin ring holders he pulled out of the storage bin. 

I sat back and smiled. The music and decorations fill me with excitement and memories of Christmas, but it is the joy these things represent that should be predominantly displayed in our home and by my family. In this precious family time my son's pure joy reminded me of the reason for the season. 

Can you relate? 

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Grateful for Motherhood

A few months ago I was chasing Hudson (he was 15 months at the time) around the back of the church so I could hear mass without the rest of the congregation hearing his joyful voice. It was the normal routine: start in the pew until he was too restless, then pace the back of the church from the statue to the candles to the baptismal font, and then out behind the doors where all the other parents were standing rocking crying children or letting little ones roam. Hudson ran over to the bookshelf that displayed faith-focused books for sale and began to knock them off the shelf so he could then put them back.

It was a delightful game in his eyes, and an exhausting one in my eyes. I was in my third trimester of pregnancy and any game that involved bending down was not my favorite. There was an elderly gentleman sitting by the bookcase as Hudson loudly and gleefully sent the books crashing down. I bent down to put them back and looked up at the man apologetically, thinking he must be extremely irritated by the noise and distraction.

The man looked at me and smiled with shining eyes. "What a blessing!" he exclaimed, smiling at Hudson. "I wish I had that kind of energy again."

I was taken aback by his kindness and the joy he gleaned from Hudson. 
"Yes," I smiled back at him, "Yes, he is".

What I found as annoying this man saw as a gift. It was a beautiful reminder to enjoy each season of life for what is has to offer. It is so easy to become frustrated with my kids and I forget to appreciate their enthusiasm for life and contagious joy. There will always be challenges, but taking a step back I hear his words and am reminded of the incredible blessings my children are to me. So during this week of Thanksgiving I strive to maintain a grateful heart and count my blessings.

I give thanks for this gift of motherhood.

Can you relate?  

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.

@nfpteaching #strivinginmotherhood nfpteaching.com 

Controlled Chaos

I have been an Emergency Nurse at a trauma center for four years and love situations that involve lots of adrenaline, fast-paced work, and critical thinking. We function in what we like to call "controlled chaos". Patient rolls through the door, little is known about their situation, and they are crashing. All hands are on deck to stabilize the patient. Meanwhile two other critical patients are rolling in the door, all rooms are full, and more help is needed in the hall. Prioritization some days is truly assessed by "Is anyone dying?" 

Motherhood is so challenging, but in so many different ways. No, nobody is bleeding out or dying at this moment (a mother's worst nightmare), but we still operate in a controlled chaos, just of a different nature.

For me, the chaos of home life with two little ones consists of constant needs. These come from the kids, the house, my husband, and myself. These are things like dishes, never-ending laundry, diapers, tantrums, needs for food (and lots of it), balancing marriage, sleep (lol), snuggles, story time, adventures to the park, play dates, nap time...the list goes on. And as you attempt to conquer one thing, priorities quickly shift as the two minute attention span of your child has now taken you to the other room to prevent them from painting the living room walls with the toilet brush...so the dishes will wait!

So when my husband comes home from work and wonders why the dishes are stacked in the sink, toys strewn across the floor, pots and pans are in the living room, and I have chalk across the backside of my sweatpants, I can choose to be frustrated or just laugh.

I laugh because at the end of the day it's very possible the dishes haven't been done, the laundry remains unfolded, and my son needs a bath to remove peanut butter from his hair...BUT, he is giggling and running around the living room playing peekaboo with me, we have sung 10 renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus", and he is now saying "please" (which adorably sounds like "peas"). I laugh because most days getting it all done is impossible if I'm trying to be intentional and engaged with the kids. These moments of engagement are the things that matter more than checking boxes off my personal list. 

When I reflect at the end of the day sometimes I feel like I have failed myself and my husband if I haven't been able to maintain the perfect household among other things. It was a fun, safe, and controlled day amidst the daily chaos. Then I remember I am human. My kiddos are happy and feel loved and that is something to be proud of. No one is dying and some things can wait until tomorrow. No one expects perfection except myself, so I need to give myself grace. I am striving. Every day, striving to be my best.

My "End of Shift Charting" might look something like this:
1901: Children are sleeping, respiratory rates even and unlabored, skin pink, warm, and dry. Claire due to feed at 2130. 10 diapers changed, ate Q2-3hours around the clock. Hudson drank 4oz milk and 3oz water before bed. Small bruise to right forehead from monkey bars at the park. Took 1.5hour nap today. Explored backyard and now loves chalk and bubbles. Bed time stories read and prayers said. Motrin given at 1830 for teething. Cooperative with bedtime routine.

House Assessment: Toy cars across bedroom floor, laundry hampers full, washing machine running. Crumbs on living room floor, trash can full with foul odor, leftovers in fridge.

Other Notes: Movie night with husband. Will reassess house tomorrow. -Christy Garbus RN

#strivinginmotherhood

Journey with me, pray with me, and feel free to comment.
-Christy